Someone's been fervently praying for me. I can feel it. I can always tell when the Holy Spirit floods into my shadowed encapsulation, begins fighting off the darkness, and then fills the gaping wounds inside even though I've been too weak to pray for myself.
He has, He has.
For many months now, I've felt as if I've been walking along the overgrown edge of God's path, beyond a fenced barrier. I've cut my feet on the thorns, had to claw my way through thick vines and branches to stay close enough to His road so I can still see it.
And I've been mindful how smooth the soil is on the way He paved for me, how it will always lead to His lighted city, no matter how dark the valleys or how steep the hills become on the way there.
Someone has prayed a break in the barbed wire, and I stand here with a clearing wide enough to squeeze through, and He waits there, just an arm's length away. All I have to do is walk toward Him, and the rest of the journey will be safe and secure.
It's better for me to wait a while before I seek the company of other faithful Christians. We're all flawed, but at this fragile juncture, any pressure or accusations or negativity from other believers could be detrimental. Not that I am easily jaded, but I'm easily turned against myself, and self-loathing and self-punishment is NOT God's way.
Repentance is indeed sorrowful. The process of being broken is painful in its own way, but the sense above all others is a predominant love and adoration, a deep gratitude to Christ for making me whole.
When I'm genuinely repenting, the feeling that overwhelms should not be self-hatred, should not be an unholy shame that would drag me farther away from God instead of toward Him.
It's so easy to fall victim to those falsehoods and lies. I think most Christians are well-meaning, and they want more than anything to share the brokenness and the victory that follows it. But many folks get caught up in what they believe is an established process, that a person should go into salvation on one side looking like filth and come out on the other side looking like them.
Spiritually speaking, yes--we do come out of the other side of salvation with a clean soul, washed by Christ's blood, ready to be presented before the throne. But the flesh...life...the every-day...that takes time, discipline, determination, self-control, willpower, practice.
It's almost as if I'm recovering from an addiction to fleshly living. It's a fragile time. I'm vulnerable and exposed. I need to steep in the Spirit, strengthen my bond with Him, allow Him to build me up so when the time comes for me to reenter fellowship, I'll be strong and secure in Him, impervious to the lies that may rob me of my confidence in Christ's profound sacrifice.
It begins with prayer. It began with someone else's prayer for me.
I can pray for them, too, and even if I don't know who they are, God does.
And then I can pray for myself.
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3 comments:
No wonder you were drawn to Trees & Thorns. Your soul is vulnerable and exposed - deep into a fragile time. The authenticity of your writing is evident ... with other souls in the same place, finding some comfort & companionship.
That's why Trees & Thorns hasn't been updated recently. I too am in a fragile time (though yesterday it seemed as though I came up out of the deep and with a huge gasp, found a measure of hunger and passion again) and though I wouldn't hesitate writing the details of that fragility down for all the world to see, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to do so, and my energy reserves have been seriously depleted for about two months.
Thank you for checking out all of my blogs and leaving wonderful comments. I see that we both visit Brandi's blog, so I assume that's how our paths have crossed - but WHY they've crossed is maybe a sweet grace in the Lord's hands.
I can't wait to spend more time reading through your posts - but for now I have to wake our Munchkins and get them ready for school. Looking forward to discovering you more!
TAMI wrote: "I see that we both visit Brandi's blog, so I assume that's how our paths have crossed - but WHY they've crossed is maybe a sweet grace in the Lord's hands."
Amen to that, Tami! Thank you for offering your kindness and understanding to the new mom on the block here. I'm grateful, and definitely looking forward to learning more about your journey, too! In His time....
melody.. thank you for posting this.. you write beautifully~
and your heart is tender and really special. i'm at a vulnerable time, and i love to hear about what the holy spirit is doing/is loving us to death and life!!
it is a blessing that you came across amy's blog.. and now i can know you! thank you for being you and for your blogship! hehehe (friendship)
oh.. almost forgot.. there's a singer/songwriter, that i really love to 'hear'/her heart is precious and her singing is beauty/and the lyrics are so real.. maybe you listen to her! if not.. here's her link.. http://www.jillphillips.com/ and she has a blog too.
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